Encouraging news today in America's War on Mythological Entities. Satan, arguably the most notorious of them all, has been located. According to Colonel Gary Brandl of the United States Marine Corps, "The enemy has a face. It is Satan's. He is in Fallujah, and we are going to destroy him." (AP, 11/8/04)

Pentagon officials unveiled their plan of attack on. "There's nothing Satan hates more than urban warfare," said Ronald Dumbsfeld, secretary of the Ministry of Peace, "we've got him on the run." A Bush administration official commented, "We're turning the corner in the war against mythological entities."

Other mythological entities have proven elusive.

The Easter Bunny was spotted outside Witchita last spring, but officials at the Mythological Security Department admit they haven't been able to track his movements. "It's that darn onorthodox mode of locomotion," confessed Dom Bridge, Head of Mythological Security, "You never know where he's going to turn up next. $98 billion has been earmarked to states and localities to beef up monitoring of bunny trails, but so far we have had little success."

The Indian divinity Shiva has been seen recently in South Asia. "He's on our list of mythological entities," Bridge confirmed.

Good news seemed imminent last fall, when Jesus was reportedly detected in the patterns of rust on the side of a water tank outside Waco, Texas. Mythological security agents were immediately dispatched to the scene, but returned empty-handed. "It just didn't look like him," Agent Mulder said at the time. "Yeah, we were pretty disappointed. We thought we finally got one."

Especially worrisome in the coming months is Santa Claus. "Do we know there's the intent to cause trouble? No," said Dumbsfeld, "But this guy has unfettered access to millions of American residences. He's completely circumventing customs and immigration. There's no telling what he could do. This will not stand."

On this day before Election Day 2004, I'd like to note a few things that a number of progressives were sure of over the past four years.

Some progressives were sure that George W. Bush would plant weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and miraculously "find" them.

Some progressives were sure that George W. Bush had arranged a fix with Saudi Arabia in which the Saudis would flood the market with oil, making the energy situation look less dire and ensuring Bush's re-election.

Some progressives were sure that George W. Bush would trot out a long-captured Osama bin Laden shortly before the election, trumpeting his capture and riding a wave of popularity to victory.

Some progressives were sure that George W. Bush would stage a terrorist attack on the United States before Election Day and use it as a pretext to postpone the elections and jettison democracy.

None of these came to pass.

The Republicans' fallibility is that they are not as fantastically omnipotent or conspiratorally diabolical as some progressives think they are.

It is the fallibility of a number of progressives (though not all, mind you) to buy the hype of Republican infallibility and spin it into a series of discouraging and self-defeating conspiracy theories that are disconnected from reality.

The Republicans do not have complete control. Karl Rove is not a supergenius. Conservatives can be defeated. But until we convince ourselves of these things, we won't get anywhere.

This morning brings us exciting news from the outer Solar System. The Cassini space probe has made a close pass past the moon of Titan, which many scientists speculate could be a home for life of some kind. Soon, a separate space probe will break off from Cassini, and descend down to the surface of Titan, getting a view of what lies beneath its thick, visually impenetrable atmosphere.

Now, I'm among those who think that this kind of exploration is a great thing. I think it's important for us to know about our solar neighborhood, and explore as far as we can go. I think it's important for us to acquire knowledge so that we have more tools to use to confront the problems that come our way. I think science is a great thing.

There are those who disagree with me, who think that science is a distraction from what they regard as truth. They seek to pray for knowledge, and hope that it comes all on its own. George W. Bush is one of these people. Instead of conducting thorough investigations to uncover solid information, he acts on his "instincts" and prays for guidance.

When it comes to science, George W. Bush has hacked away at the funding for important research. Bush has ripped intellectual independence away from scientists working for the government, ordering them to rewrite their findings according to Bush's political needs. Bush has crippled America's schools, demanding that they satisfy new bureaucratic requirements without providing the funding necessary to make such requirements achieveable.

With Bush at the helm, the United States of America will not see any new Cassini space probes.

What's that? Didn't Bush say that he was going to start a Moon Colony?

Well, yes, Bush said he was going to do that. Searching for a way to inspire the American people, he copied John F. Kennedy's pledge to send a man to the Moon. Then, Bush forgot all about it, and failed to provide the funding necessary to actually complete the project. His wandering mind was led elsewhere.

We cannot afford another four years of such a tremendous lack of discipline and such an antipathy to knowledge as now exists in the White House. Our peace, our children, and our future as a curious species depends the decision to change leadership now, before chaos and ignorance is allowed to eat away at the very core of our human heritage.